Perhaps its arrogance or maybe just a blind assumption that people spend as much of their day online as I do, but I did think that everyone I contacted on Face To Facebook would reply to me... eventually.
But like the existence of Father Christmas (spoiler alert!) I have had to accept that this is a blatant and dirty falsehood. Out of seven contacts, only four people got back to me this week and interestingly they are all ladies. This might be down to the fact that this week I decided to pose two questions.
1. What was your first love?
2. What was your worst love?
Maybe women are more prepared to bare their souls than men. Perhaps the guys I wrote to were too busy stripping down motorcycle engines or hunting elk with a spear fashioned from old porno mags to respond. Or maybe they just thought it was a shit idea.
I chose these questions as I am on the verge of finishing a one hour TV pilot script which is essentially about love. Not a very original idea I know, but then I'm also the guy that wrote a sitcom about an average Joe becoming a superhero two months before Kick Ass was released.
This week all names have been replaced with female characters from Beatles songs.
Eleanor Rigby was a classic case of youthful exuberance. Her first love was with a beautiful young dancer, called Lord Albert Spankfudge-Ringworthy III. I should stress that this is not his real name. Eleanor had to travel to the ends of the earth to get over this love. I've never had to do this, although I did once travel to the Lidl in Cricklewood, which is almost as glamorous.
Lovely Rita was a 9 year old female cub scout when she first fell in love. I wish we'd had girls when I was in the cubs. I would certainly have spent less time playing with my woggle, although that was just a pet name for him really. Rita eventually tried to seal the deal using the tried and tested method of giving her paramour a Chinese burn. I have discovered to my determent that this method is less effective when you're 26.
Dear Prudence first fell in love when she was 6 with a boy called Chewbacca. That was actually his real name (*) and this is why sniffing glue and choosing baby names should never be attempted at the same time. They became an official couple. I think being in a serious relationship at the age of 6 could be quite rewarding. You're outgoings are limited to a sherbet dib dab and the odd slush puppy, the rent on Wendy House's is very reasonable and if she claims you never surprise her anymore, a game of peek-a-boo will keep her amused for hours. On the down side you'll probably need help pushing the trolley on your first trip to Ikea.
Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds chose to buck the trend and answered that her first love was literature. I thought this was a lovely answer. I can still remember my own trembling, youthful excitement when I came home from the library with Of Human Bondage secreted under my coat. I'll be honest, it wasn't the sexiest book I've ever read.
Now you might notice that I have described the first loves but not the worst loves. I decided to keep these revelations to myself. For now...
(* Don't be silly, of course it wasn't.)
No comments:
Post a Comment