As I get older I find myself in an almost perpetual state of annoyance. I get annoyed by young people with the headphones and crack and I'm equally annoyed by old pensioners with their hearing aids and their crack.
Mostly I'm annoyed by myself. I don't mean by this that I'm mostly annoyed when I am alone, I mean that Max Davis as he currently stands in the year of our lord 2011 is a very annoying creature. He thinks he's far funnier than is. For example, here is a joke I recently did at a stand up gig in London.
"I was going to tell you about the time I tried to slit my wrists, but I thought it would be a bit near the knuckle."
Nothing. Silence. Actually I think I heard a guy at the back of the room throw up.
For the last two weeks, Face To Facebook has been devoted to the study of Annoying Facebook Types. It turns out that much like The Breakfast Club these friends can be divided into convenient definitions. I asked each friend if they had any experience of them and if they were brave enough to admit whether or not they themselves were guilty of being one.
In honour of that classic piece of cinematic brilliance all names have been changed to actors from the film.
Molly Ringwald has an interesting story about The Chronic Inviter. She rashly accepted the friend request of someone she didn't know because they had lots of mutual friends. This individual then began to comment on all of her status updates and pestered her to read his very boring blog (the irony of this is not lost on me gentle reader). Things got so bad that Facebook itself had to send him a warning because he was adding too many people as friends. Given that Facebook allows Holocaust deniers and tribute pages to uber nutcase (and friend of Gazza) Raoul Moat to operate without censorship this guy must have been racking up some serious numbers.
This brings us neatly to Ally Sheedy who freely admits that she herself is a member of the next group, The Stalker. I can assure you we all have these. They are people who you didn't even know you were friends with constantly commenting and "liking" every single bloody thing you update. I once got a like AND a comment on a picture of a chili. But Ally freely admits that she is nosy by nature and you can't help but love that kind of honesty. Like on my friend, like on.
Fran Gargano (I know, if I'd have thought this through I would have realised there's only really two girls in the movie) hates a Lame & Boring Status Updater. Posts such as "Just snuggling down on the sofa to watch X Factor with my BF" are met with a swift culling. If you really piss her off she'll post an angry hip hop video on your wall. Frankly if your posting FB status updates when you should be snuggling then your relationship is doomed and not even Biggie can help you.
Fran says I'm welcome to use her name but you'd be better off going to youtube and searching TheBanditBennett24 and watch her hilarious stuff first hand.
Judd Nelson hates a Sympathy Baiter and I can't say I blame him. The internet is not there for people to whinge about their problems. It's for porn and redubbing Darth Vader dialogue with Chas and Dave songs. I was going to call these people The Miserablists but that is in fact the name of my friend Cliff's air guitar band and he is liable to sue. We used to be in another air guitar band called Satan's Underpants but broke up when an imaginary groupie OD'd on some metaphysical coke.
Emilio Estevez on the other hand only uses Facebook to organise the local village football team. His pet hate is the Lame Gamers, People who keep trying to get you to work on an imaginary farm. Having said that I work in a very real pub and was recently attacked by a mad man wielding a bottle of vinegar and so that virtual grass looks pretty green right now.
And what of me? Your faithful Quester. Well I shall tell you. I love with every fibre of my being the Brawler. I love nothing more than to go to my News Feed and read "Paula is tired of all the two faced little slags chatting shit about her and Dave behind our backs! What goes around comes around and Tracy, I know what you said about me last Friday to Trisha so you'd better stay out of my way cos next time I'm in town you are DEAD!"
God bless you Paula. Have WKD blue on me.
Until next week...
Max, you're blogging! And living in Leicester? Let me know if you ever do a stand-up show in Bath!
ReplyDeleteI like this experiment of yours (is it cheating if one of your Facebook friends contacts YOU?). I'm with Fran - I'll delete people who think that "mmm chicken for dinner tonight" is worth sharing.