As Face To Facebook will eventually be turned into a stand up show, this week I've asked each friend their favourite joke and after reading it I then wrote an original gag to compliment it. This week's blog is written in the style of a stand up gig with the borrowed joke first and the Davis original straight after.
Imagine you've just paid a fiver to sit in the back room of a rank pub and you and your mates are the only one's there...
"Good evening ladies and gentleman, my name is Max Davis."
"There were two peanuts walking down the street and one of them was a salted!"
"I actually live in a constant fear of getting attacked at knife point. My only hope is that if this ever happens my girlfriend isn't with me. It's not that I'm over protective, I just don't want her to see me burst into tears and shit myself."
"What's yellow, sticky and smells of banana's?"
"Monkey sick".
"The funny thing about illness is you need someone else to confirm it for you. But you don't go to a doctor, you go to the first person you can find and say, 'feel my head, it's warm isn't it?' As if this untrained individual has any ability to diagnose your condition. What's worse is you don't want them to tell you you're fine. You WANT them to tell you you've got a temperature because somehow that makes you feel better! 'I knew it! I knew I was ill! Thanks mate'"
"Where's the best place to find out how much a pie weighs? *sings* Somewhere over the rainbow. No? Nothing? Weigh a pie."
"I can hear some of you groaning out there which is encouraging because I was worried you had died. I like that joke because you have to finish it yourself, although it does smack of Pieway robbery."
"Speaking of which, I walked past a car yesterday and there was a sign in the window. It said, For Sale: £995 or near offer. So I called the number and said, 'I'll give you £9.'"
"A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling about their adventures on the seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch.
The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies: "We were in a storm at sea, and I were swept overboard headed for Davy Jones' Locker. Just as me men were pullin' me out, a shark bit me leg off."
"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"
The pirate went on, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me hand off.”
"Incredible!" said the sailor. "And how did you get the eye patch?"
“Arrr. That were from a seagull dropping fell into me bloody eye,” replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Shiver me timbers!" said the pirate. "It was me first day with the hook..."
"Why is it whenever you go to a public toilet now they have detailed instructions on how to wash your hands, but nothing about drying them? There must be people staggering around outside public lavs screaming 'What now?! What now?!' That's if they can get the door open.
"They say, ladies and gentleman, you should end a set with a big finish, which is fortunate in my case because this next joke is fucking enormous."
"After dating his girlfriend for years, a man decides that he wants to ask her to marry him. But he has a problem. What he loves more than anything in the whole world is a big plate of baked beans. But unfortunately they give him incredibly bad gas. And he doesn't ever want her to know how his horrible secret. Torn, he finally decides he's going to ask her, and he will never eat beans again.
Ten years down the line, they are happily married and he has not once indulged in his favourite meal. His wife has no idea of his terrible problem. Then one night, on his birthday, he begins the journey home and his car breaks down. He has promised her he will be home on time as she has a big surprise for him. He walks along the road until he comes to a diner where he can call her from a payphone.
As he walks in, he can smell baked beans cooking. He phones and says he will be late, she says she will keep dinner warm while he walks home. As he turns to go, an idea occurs to him. If he eats a plate now, he can get rid of his wind on the way home, and his wife will never know.
Only, he gets home and as it's a particularly bad case, he's still not quite, well, finished. (It has been ten years, maybe his stomach's not quite used to it). He lets out what he hopes will be one last tremendous fart outside, and just in time before his wife opens the front door.
She says "Welcome home honey - boy have I got a surprise for you!" She blind folds him and leads him to the dining room table, sits him down, and says "On the count of three, I'll take off your blind fold. Ok - one, two..." and the doorbell rings..
As she goes to answer it he decides he can't hold it any longer, and lets out an enormous fart. It's pretty bad. Panicked, he grabs his hankie out of his pocket and starts waving it away, and just in time as she returns.
"Ok, sorry honey. Ready - one, two..." and the phone rings! She runs to answer it, and he lets out the most enormous one yet. He stumbles blindfolded to the window and opens it, madly fanning to get rid of the smell before she comes back. He sits down just in time and shoves his hankie back in his pocket again. She'll never know...
"Ok, no matter what happens this time honey" she says "I'm going to do it. One, two, three!!" She whips off his blindfold, and what do you think he sees at the table??
All of his friends and family, sitting in stunned silence..."
"As I get older I find myself farting more. I'm also finding a disturbing amount of fluff in my belly button. I've almost got enough to make a set of matching hand towels."
"It gets worse. I found my first grey pube the other day. That's the last time I go speed dating in a care home."
"I've been Max Davis and you've been, whatever your individual names are. Thank you and good night!"
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